Life’s a beach… and I’m just vibin - Happy 4th

July 4th, 2025 – Pensacola, FL

Okay okay okay—first of all, happy July 4th to me, because I just finished a new website for some crusty dude who sells "custom battle axes for cosplay dads." 💀 Why do they all look like they belong in a Viking PTA meeting? Anyway, money's money, and Jess gotta pay for her bubble tea addiction and those cute pastel gaming headphones I saw on TikTok.

Speaking of gaming, I got wrecked again in Valorant by a 12-year-old who called me “ma’am.” Like—EXCUSE ME, I’m 21, I still drink Capri Suns and consider pizza rolls a food group. Don’t make me show you my Sailor Moon socks and emotional instability, kid.

Also, shoutout to my beach house internet, which cuts out more often than my dates when I say, “So what are your intentions with my dog?”

🌊 Jess Facts of the Day:

• I once named a crab “Crabby Pattie” and fed him Doritos. (He ghosted me.)

• I used AI to build a client’s website in 3 hours, then used the rest of the day to mod Skyrim with anime dragons. No regrets.

• I haven’t done laundry in two weeks, but I have organized all my hair ties by shade of purple.

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💘 Dating Life Update aka “Jess Mess Express” 🚂

Sooo... went on a date last weekend with a guy named Zach (with an “H” because apparently that’s hotter??). He said he was into “entrepreneurial women.” I told him I built websites and he said, "Whoa, like... on computers?"

…Boy thought I made websites with crayons and emotional manipulation. 🙃

Then there was Brian. Brian was cute. Smart. Thoughtful. Until I found out he called his mom “Mommy” in front of me at Starbucks.

Reader, I left.

Like no hate—but I can’t marry someone who uses baby talk to order a caramel macchiato. I just can’t. I’m still emotionally recovering.

But hey! I’m still single, still vibin’, still waiting for the guy who:

1. Respects women

2. Can parallel park

3. Doesn’t say “let’s split the bill” after ordering three steaks and a lobster.

Where art thou, King of My Heart? I’m here—bikini-clad, controller in hand, and fully fluent in HTML and sarcasm.

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Things I Want in a Boyfriend:

• Thinks I’m funny (even when I’m not)

• Brings me snacks without being asked

• Says, “babe, I fixed your CSS margins” and kisses my forehead

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Anyway, gotta run! A seagull just stole my sandwich and I need to assert dominance. 😤

Until next entry,
Stay salty, stay silly, and remember:
If life gives you lemons, squirt them at your enemies.

~ Jess 💜

Mission: Pedicure Protocol - A Black Widow Fanfic

 It was a bright, breezy Sunday afternoon in New York City — a rare lull in the life of superspy Natasha Romanoff, aka Black Widow. The world wasn't ending, aliens weren't invading, and no HYDRA agents needed a high-velocity heel to the face. For once, she had the luxury of doing what she secretly loved: strolling through the city in peace.

But Natasha wasn’t in her usual tactical boots today. Nope — she was strutting in open-toe black sandals that showed off her perfectly pedicured feet, much to the stunned amusement of every pedestrian she passed.

Clint Barton had called it her “Weaponized Walk.”

“Nice toes, Nat. Planning to distract bad guys with the shimmer on your nails?” he’d teased earlier, sipping coffee at HQ.

She grinned. “You’d be surprised how many intel drops happen at nail salons. It’s strategic.”

Truthfully, Natasha just wanted to enjoy some downtime. She’d been on missions for months in tight boots and reinforced suits. The moment she saw sunshine and the streets weren’t on fire, she traded her combat gear for a sleek black suit — still practical, still deadly — but topped off with cute sandals that said, "I save the world, but I also moisturize."

She made her way through Central Park, the wind tossing her red hair behind her, and kids pointing, whispering, “Mom! That’s Black Widow! Look! She’s wearing sandals!”

A kid ran up to her with a notepad. “Miss Widow! Are your feet bulletproof?”

Natasha crouched to his level, smiling. “Only against evil.”

At that moment, her earpiece buzzed. “Nat, we got a situation. Giant mutant pigeons. Downtown.”

She sighed, casually kicking off one sandal. “Guess it’s back to work.”

“But Nat… you’re not wearing your—”

“Relax,” she said, slipping the sandal back on. “These heels? Titanium reinforced. Fashion and function.”

And with that, she darted off — her sandal-clad feet whispering over the pavement like shadows, a hero who could kill you ten ways with a paperclip… but still cared enough to choose open-toe shoes on her day off.

Mission Status: Fabulous.

High Heels & High Voltage: A Day Off with Lorna Dane

 

Lorna Dane was having one of those rare, beautiful days where no mutant crises were blowing up the phone. No anti-mutant protests. No interdimensional portals. No Havok yelling "Lorna, where are my gloves?!"

Just peace. A cozy couch. And a killer pair of heels.

She stretched out luxuriously, her forest green dress hugging her in all the right places, her legs draped lazily over the sofa armrest. On her feet? Jet-black, open-toe stilettos that could probably be registered as a weapon. They weren’t just shoes—they were a statement.

"I should really be wearing boots," she muttered with a smirk, staring at her toes peeking out like they were flaunting themselves. “But hey, even an omega-level metal-bending mutant deserves to feel cute.”

She twirled a finger lazily in the air, using her magnetic powers to float the remote toward her like the laziest Jedi ever. Click. Reruns of Murder, She Wrote. Perfect.

“Bet Jessica Fletcher wouldn’t know what to do if Magneto showed up in Cabot Cove,” she joked to herself.

As she relaxed, Alex walked in and froze mid-step. “Whoa. Since when do you wear heels like that around the house?”

Lorna grinned, tilting her head. “Since I realized I can levitate and never actually have to walk in them.”

“…show off,” Alex grumbled, shaking his head.

But deep down, he knew the truth—Lorna Dane could save the world in combat boots or bring it to its knees in six-inch platforms. Today, it was the latter. And honestly? She was vibing.

✨"Genie on Her Knees"✨ - A Shantae mini fanfic

 It all started with what Shantae swore was going to be a normal day. Wake up. Fight off a few crab monsters. Shake her hips dramatically at least once before lunch. You know—the usual half-genie routine.

But nope. Not today.

“Shantae!” Mayor Scuttlebutt burst into her home, flailing a scroll like it was on fire. “The Royal Footwear Society is hosting their annual Sole Showdown! It’s a... toe-tally important event!”

She blinked. “Sole... what?”

“It’s a barefoot fashion contest!” the mayor bellowed, sweating way too much for something shoe-related. “They want YOU to represent Scuttle Town!”

Now, Shantae wasn’t shy. She’d belly-danced in front of pirates, fought jellyfish the size of wagons, and even spent a day transformed into a literal crab. But strutting her soles in front of an audience just for fashion? That was new.

Still, how could she say no to civic duty?

Fast-forward to the big day, backstage at the event. Shantae arrived in style, but as she looked around, she noticed something strange. The other contestants were really taking it seriously. There were magical pedicures. Glittery toe rings. One girl was having a conversation with her heels.

“This is nuts,” Shantae whispered, slipping off her curled red flats to prepare for her walk. “Okay, just pose, smile, and don’t fall on your butt.”

But right as she stepped out, she saw a big sign on stage:
"KNEELING POSE ROUND – Cuteness and Sole Personality Required!"

“…Excuse me, what now?!”

Before she could protest, a magical sparkle zapped the stage and—POOF—Shantae was gently poofed down into a kneeling position, her bare feet tucked behind her and her famous purple ponytail swishing like it was part of the act.

She blinked. Then looked back over her shoulder at the crowd, gave a charming grin, and struck the perfect “I-did-not-sign-up-for-this-but-I’m-rocking-it-anyway” pose.

Her red shoes, now casually placed at her side, added to the unexpected charm.

The crowd?
Absolutely lost it.

“She’s so confident!”
“Look at that arch!”
“Those shoes are iconic!”

And just like that, Shantae won the Golden Toe Trophy for Best Barefoot Pose and Coolest Shoe Abandonment.

Backstage, she looked at the trophy, then down at her feet. “Honestly, not the weirdest day I’ve had.”

She gave her shoes a wink, slid them back on with flair, and walked off into the sunset like the barefoot legend she was.