July 4th, 2025 – Pensacola, FL
Okay okay okay—first of all, happy July 4th to me, because I just finished a new website for some crusty dude who sells "custom battle axes for cosplay dads." 💀 Why do they all look like they belong in a Viking PTA meeting? Anyway, money's money, and Jess gotta pay for her bubble tea addiction and those cute pastel gaming headphones I saw on TikTok.
Speaking of gaming, I got wrecked again in Valorant by a 12-year-old who called me “ma’am.” Like—EXCUSE ME, I’m 21, I still drink Capri Suns and consider pizza rolls a food group. Don’t make me show you my Sailor Moon socks and emotional instability, kid.
Also, shoutout to my beach house internet, which cuts out more often than my dates when I say, “So what are your intentions with my dog?”
🌊 Jess Facts of the Day:
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I once named a crab “Crabby Pattie” and fed him Doritos. (He ghosted me.)
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I used AI to build a client’s website in 3 hours, then used the rest of the day to mod Skyrim with anime dragons. No regrets.
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I haven’t done laundry in two weeks, but I have organized all my hair ties by shade of purple.
💘 Dating Life Update aka “Jess Mess Express” 🚂
Sooo... went on a date last weekend with a guy named Zach (with an “H” because apparently that’s hotter??). He said he was into “entrepreneurial women.” I told him I built websites and he said, "Whoa, like... on computers?"
…Boy thought I made websites with crayons and emotional manipulation. 🙃
Then there was Brian. Brian was cute. Smart. Thoughtful. Until I found out he called his mom “Mommy” in front of me at Starbucks.
Reader, I left.
Like no hate—but I can’t marry someone who uses baby talk to order a caramel macchiato. I just can’t. I’m still emotionally recovering.
But hey! I’m still single, still vibin’, still waiting for the guy who:
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Respects women
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Can parallel park
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Doesn’t say “let’s split the bill” after ordering three steaks and a lobster.
Where art thou, King of My Heart? I’m here—bikini-clad, controller in hand, and fully fluent in HTML and sarcasm.
Things I Want in a Boyfriend:
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Thinks I’m funny (even when I’m not)
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Brings me snacks without being asked
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Says, “babe, I fixed your CSS margins” and kisses my forehead
Anyway, gotta run! A seagull just stole my sandwich and I need to assert dominance. 😤
Until next entry,
Stay salty, stay silly, and remember:
If life gives you lemons, squirt them at your enemies.
~ Jess 💜
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